So much has changed. I loved someone a lot, and one day I woke up and I realized what moving on really is.There’s such a big difference between getting over something and getting through it. I got through with it all, but if he came up to me and told me that he sincerely loved me, I wouldn’t resist that. It’s funny how things work out right? You think you’ll be best friends with someone forever and one day you’re just not anymore. All I know for sure is that when you love someone, I mean truly love someone, whether it’s a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend whatever, you never stop loving them. Think about it. I’ve moved on, yes. But a part of me will always belong to him, I will always have that part of me that loves him.

One thing I think about often is

how many people will be affected if I were gone tomorrow. how many people would actually care. some days, and i’ll admit today, i think, probably no one would. that i’m a bit of a shit person. too selfish and self-absorbed to give a damn about other people, so how could anyone ever give a damn about me? and that’s one reason why i hate letting people into my life. i end up hugely disappointing them. today i feel a bit lonely because of these thoughts. the truth of the matter is, i am not gone. i am still here. heart beating and breathing deeply. i am alive. and i am counting on the sun shining tomorrow. i cant dwell on this darkness anymore.

It kinda sucks that nothing really truly excites me anymore. I’ve lost interest in everything I loved doing and in people/friends I thought I couldn’t have a life without. I just wanna feel something man, I feel empty all the fucking time and idk what’s missing. It kind of really sucks.

I used to dislike being sensitive.

I thought it made me weak. But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essence of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to empathize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation of the little things, my vivid inner life, my keen awareness to others pain and my passion for it all.

It hurts.

it hurts a lot.
but I’ll keep it to myself so it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

Sometimes I feel too much and say too little. That, in a sense, is dangerous. One of these days I’ll simply let my emotions waft over me and do something that I’ll deeply regret. I have to learn to say a few things every once in a while.

I wonder what makes him so appealing to me. Is it his face? His eyes? His smile? His body? On second thought… Looks may not even be the reason. It may be the fact that he’s very, very intelligent, funny, sarcastic and kind-hearted. He has a beautiful soul. What more could I ask for? Even as a friend… He’s perfect.

I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.

Secretly liking someone.
Secretly having your eyes on them.
Secretly wishing they knew.
But deep inside, you’re afraid of what the outcome would be.

when i have a crush on someone i can never tell if they have a mutual crush on me or if i’m just noticing and exaggerating every bit of attention i’m getting from them and amplifying it into something it’s not