He’s like a song she can’t get out of her head. Hard as she tries, the melody of their meeting runs through her mind on an endless loop, each time as surprisingly sweet as the last, like a lullaby, like a hymn, and she doesn’t think she could ever get tired of hearing it.

— Jennifer Smith, The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight

Sometimes I feel too much and say too little. That, in a sense, is dangerous. One of these days I’ll simply let my emotions waft over me and do something that I’ll deeply regret. I have to learn to say a few things every once in a while.

All my life I have always took the backseat,

always been contented with living somewhere in the shadows out of view of other people. Playing safe, I’ve tried to avoid the limelight as much as I can for fear of being judged and getting hurt. I’ve always thought keeping myself quiet is the best thing to do, but I guess, all this time, I was wrong. I was wrong because I didn’t ever realize the fact that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to act discreet, other people would still judge me, hurt me. I was wrong because I didn’t know well enough when to start taking action and when to take the backseat. I didn’t keep my balance. But maybe it isn’t too late for me to change my ways. Maybe I can still do something about it. Maybe I can learn how to weigh things in the correct proportions. Maybe I can start again, start now. Maybe I can, if I just let myself believe that I can.

D,

I don’t think you have any idea just how much you mean to me. You consume a big part of my existence—from the inside out, from day to night. You are the constant subject of my writings, the boy who exists in my most delightful daydreams. You are the air I keep in my lungs, the water streaming down my eyes, the blood running through my veins, the drug that’s vital to my survival. I swear, you have no idea how much I need you.

10 beautiful words without an English translation:

1.Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start.
2.Yuanfen(Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.
3.Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone’s hair.
4.Retrouvailles (French):  The happiness of meeting again after a long time.
5.Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
6.La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
7.Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love.
8.Ya’aburnee(Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
9.Forelsket (Norwegian):  The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.
10.Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”

Let me wake up next to you, have coffee in the morning and wander through the city with your hand in mine, and I’ll be happy for the rest of my fucked up little life.

10 Things I had to learn by myself

i. Blame the person who hurts you, not yourself. Never blame yourself for not being what they wanted or not being “good enough.” You are made with perfectly flawed traits, stitched together to be loved unconditionally.

ii. Not everyone you love will love you back and the people who do love you, you won’t always reciprocate the feelings. But that doesn’t make them or you a bad person. You can’t love everyone and not everyone will love you. I refuse to blame the people that can’t find it in their soul to give me what I give them. I don’t give to get back. I give because I want to and because I can.

iii. Don’t let one person tell you negative things about yourself. One opinion out of a million does not make you who you are. No one paints a masterpiece for you, you are the art piece. You make who you are. You are the artist.

iv. Don’t ever settle. People always feel safer with things that they are used to and comfortable with instead of seeking for the heart pounding feelings and moments that take their breaths away. I never want it to be easy; I want it to be hard to breathe and suffocating when I give something my all. I want to learn how to survive through that.

v. Learn how to say no. No, I do not want to dance with you. No, I do not want to kiss you. No, I do not want to date you. No, I do not want to do this. No, I do not want to do that. Because that does not make me happy and that does not make me feel comfortable, so no. And I don’t need to give you a reason nor do I need to make up an excuse to say “no.”

vi. There are different kinds of people. Don’t always catergorize people in groups because people are not meant to be labelled. Just because one person hurts you, does not mean the ones in the future will. Just because one person holds a knife doesn’t mean the next one will use it. There is good out there; there is good in the world and there is good in people. Not everyone is a monster. I strongly believe that majority of the population is good.

vii. Do not let the past prevent you from living in the future. Do not let the pain and hurt take over. Don’t close yourself up to others just because you have been broken before. Never allow the demons of yesterday to control the beauty that is to come in the future. Vow to never allow it to always be stormy for the sun does eventually shine down on all things beautiful. I am beautiful, and so are you.

viii. You can swim across the world for someone but they might not even step outside in the drizzle for you. Even if you hold the umbrella for them.

ix. Never give someone the power to rid you of yourself. Don’t ever fall out of your routine or lose who you are permanently. That is so important.

xi. Love yourself. Learn to love the birthmark on your face, the chipmunk cheeks, the thighs that jiggle when you walk, the nose you think is too flat, and your fingers that are too short. Learn to appreciate your almond shaped eyes, your skin color, the thin hair that doesn’t grow fast, the beauty mark above your lips, and the small gap between your teeth. Learn to love your sense of humor, your laughter, your emotions, your tendency to trust easily, and how happy you always are. Learn to love the way you love others deeply, how you sometimes fear being lonely, the way you enjoy walks alone, and the radiance in your soul. Learn to love yourself at 3AM when you cannot sleep and can only think of the skeletons hiding in your own closets and learn to love yourself at 3PM when you are cranky and unable to get out of bed. Learn to love yourself and come to terms with the fact that you are you, and that will never change.

TO MY ALMOST LOVER,

Almost —
it’s strange how
a small word, with
just two syllables, can
hold so much pain with it
Almost —
reminds me of
you, of me, and
of what could have
happened between us

(darling, you are my almost lover; I gave
you almost everything and yet you didn’t care;
we were almost there, almost together— but the pain
that comes with loving you is too heavy, and it’s too much for me to bear.)

I probably can rob a bank in the middle of a busy street without getting caught.

That’s how you make me feel:
INVISIBLE.

TO THE MAN I SECRETLY LOVE,

I know it seems like I don’t care much about you at all. How I constantly ignore you, push you away, no matter how many times you tried to talk to me. How I become too selfish and too caught up in my own feelings sometimes, that I tend to forget to pay careful attention to you, and that I fail to remember you have feelings and you are sometimes scared, too. How, after all, I still hesitate in telling you what I truly feel, what goes on in my life, and how difficult it is for you to understand me and reach out to me because I never let you.

But I just want you to know that it’s not because I don’t love you. And it’s not because my trust in you is still not enough, either. Actually, it’s the opposite. It’s the surge that closes me. This love is too powerful, and I just can’t help but feel overwhelmed about it, because it is all new to me. I feel like drowning in myself, hyper-aware of all the heightened senses and emotions I feel towards you.

Everything is too intense— which is why I’m trying to run away from it, control it, in any way I can.

But even though I am like that, you should know that I’m just here. just loving you quietly. That whenever I see you with other girls, a part of me dies, while another part struggles to make me realize that I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I don’t have  any right to be jealous.

That during those times that you look upset and tired from work, I’ve wanted nothing else than apologize to you over and over and tell you just how much I love you and make you realize how good you are, that you are enough.. more than enough.

I swear, I’ve never felt like this with anyone else before and it feels amazing and scary and hopeful all at the same time.

I just… love you. So much.